KISS THE SUN GOODNIGHT :)

December 8, 2009

I missed him again today. Honestly, I miss him every single day. It’s been almost two months since we last talked/chatted. I still care for him. I really do but I don’t wanna pop out of his life again and lie. I don’t wanna do that though I badly wanted to talk to him again. I wanna ask how he’s doing. I wanna know his thoughts. I wanna know what he’s been doing lately. I wanna know what happened to his parents. All those things I am aware of before. I just miss him every minute and there are times that I really wanted to talk to him but I just can’t. He knows ***** but he doesn’t know Dianne. He doesn’t know that Dianne likes him. He doesn’t know how much Dianne cared for him, that everything he said to Dianne through ***** meant so much to her. I like ***. I like him as a friend and that’s what I miss about our “friendship”. There are a lot of things I can tell him, like I could vent out every little and random thing to him and he’ll just say that I’m crazy. I miss staying up late just to chat with him. It hurts so bad that I had to stay away and stop it. I tried fixing it though but I guess he didn’t want to so I had to end it myself. I could say that I’ve felt my first ever heartbreak. He made me not want to continue the normal stuff I’ve been doing before we started chatting. I would forget to study and do my homeworks just because I would feel so thrilled talking to him every night. But yeah, God knows what’s best and it’s His plan if we really are going to end up together or not. For now, I’m forcing myself to be contented of being a fan girl again. I hate it. I hate that I was back to this pathetic girl I got away from the past three months we were chatting. I’m distant again. I don’t wanna be distant but what can I do? It’s just how things are now.

HAHAHA :) SORRY.

rainydayslove:

I’m starting to doubt myself and I’m starting to doubt us, how we define what we are and our relationship in this beautifully wretched place. In this perfect mess, I found you. You are my kind of beautiful. I like you, my God, I adore you with every fiber of my being and you are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I worked so hard to get to where we are now, so close, and ironically enough, yet so far. I had to step outside the confine of my bravery to get myself closer to you, and I enjoy every bit of it, every time I catch your gaze and every time you laugh and smile. You give me sense to why I’m doing this again, and this world suddenly starts to make more sense.

But tonight served as a wake-up call, like the rain, trickling down softly and yet so distinctly, as we were walking to mass. It was when you kept looking at me with nervousness in your eyes when we went to give gift offerings together, all the eyes of the people boring into our faces, and when I held your hand for the ‘our father’ prayer. I could feel your hands shook and shudder when I clasped mine around yours. I was nervous too, but when you looked at me and reciprocated the nervous feeling in my chest in the dark hues of your eyes, I started to doubt myself. It wasn’t the question of whether I was scaring you, but it was the question of whether this is going how we both wanted it.

But then I started to question myself: do we want the same thing? Fate brought us together, I am sure of that. I am so sure that I went for this without even questioning how you might feel. What do you feel? What do you want? I know what I want, we just need this to be mutual.

I think I love you, I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want to tell you this. If I told you and you don’t feel the same, everyday of our lives is going to be like tonight: us staring at each other and wondering why God made this be so. Why on earth would he give us the worst possible relationships to start with: an RA and a resident, and make us figure this all out.

Maybe God wanted to test us, to see how much we really want this. God never made anything easy, but He did all of this so we could learn from it and become a stronger person, suited to be welcomed by Him to His kingdom.

Maybe we’re meant to be, but perhaps it was just at the wrong time.

Will God give me the grace to keep you? Will He be so kind to make it work out? Maybe not this year, when you’re still an authority figure to me

I don’t know, I can only pray.

Awww. This is really nice :)